*the love and grace of God in my life..*

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

tues went on quite smoothly.
lect was boring but i still managed to pay attention for 3/4 of it.
tutorial was okie, but im pissed with ailing. she juz doesn't talk! oh well, she din even read the case.
after class, i asked danwen when to meet for sm game Q2 and he said "dun bother la. we both can make the decisions!"
haha. yeah.

ailing, you jolly well stay in your dreamland, come for discussion also no input. waste my sms contacting you.

anyway, i had such a nice dream last night. actually, it's not really a dream.
becos..
i dreamt that i was with dearie somewhere in town, having a small chat
then as i was lying in his arms, he said i smell like a baby.. i smiled and asked why.
and his reply was simple.. "cos you're my baby! my little baby girl!"

and i woke up, realising that..
that DREAM wasn't really a dream.
cos it was almost similar to what happened three suns back, when we spent it at my fav blue-star place!

i must be thinking of dearie too much.
geez.
time to do some solid work today.

//posted by ivy @ 17:57//

Monday, August 30, 2004

geez.
im back but juz for a short entry.

i was reading peiting's and joanne's blog juz now.
and i realised all of us had had our rough patches.
not that im extremely close to both of them, but even as i see them in class, they are definitely not the sort who shows how down they are, or how sad and depressed no matter what they may be going through.
same thing for me. i never show that side of me in school.

but when we blog, everything comes tumbling out.
and yet, we are there to encourage each other thru tag-boards and stuffs.
and blogging juz seems to be an invisible force that draws us closer.
warms my heart whenever i see their messages in tag-board.
and to liting, mich, joanne and peiting, thanks so much for the times you left funny/caring/whatever else messages.
simply cos..
they made my day!

//posted by ivy @ 21:44//

today isn't a very fantastic start to a brand new week.
i woke up feeling emotion-less, if there's such a word.
went to school for the ever-boring mon morning seminar conducted by a kindergarden-cum-part-time-vampire-slayer tutor.

had proj discussion over lunch. did someone say that this is unhealthy?
but we have no choice.
a little girls-talk session before we went for lect! haha. a short time of relieving stress.

i came home, shut myself in my room and went about taking out things in the room baby boy has given to me in the past 19 months (in another 3 days).
and soon, my bed was littered with bintan photo album, a very hug-able blue cushion with sweet words on it, my fav orange shrek cushion, the adorable-wanna-pinch-butt garfield, my lilo-and-stitch bright pink top, my vic firth drumsticks, two others tee-shirts and of cos, baby botak.
and i proceeded to stone for half an hour or so while looking thru some pics and lying in the midst of the shrek/garfield soft hug-ables.

anyway.
the horrid mon is over, which only means the rest of the week will pass by rather fast, which is of cos a very nice thing to hear.
as much as i dun wan to pin my hopes up high, i know im getting more excited even as fri/sat draws near.
can't help it.

im blogging a lot lately.
too much in fact.
but... i can't help it.
it's therapeutic.

//posted by ivy @ 17:46//

Sunday, August 29, 2004

DONE with costing assignment!
thanks mich, for the template.
saves me so much time. =)

had a long day in church.
service was rather power-packed.
had lunch cum tamagotchi-session
i shared for youth. din know how i made it through but still, it's over!

went swensens with celine and peixuan for ice-cream, some more tamagotchi fights and a chat. we decided on some crazy things to do.. but well, doubt they'll come to pass.

made some decisions without informing arlene first.
thank God she's okie with them. =)
and on the other hand, im praying hard im doin the right thing.

going to sleep.
long monday ahead.

i wonder if darling can call back tmr. likely not.
and i wonder can he officially book out this week or izzit next week?
hopefully soon.
i dun think i can stand another long and tiring week with the fact that he's not gonna be ard at the end of it.
i cried in church today. everything juz seem so wrong, so out of place
and that includes my emotion.

i shall engage in self-talk... my psychology tutor once told me this is effective!
ivy, you must stay strong. it's a period where you are being moulded in dependency on God for everything in your life. must trust that darling's muscle condition will get well soon, and his training will be just fine. in the meanwhile, you're going to cope well in school, church and family too.

dun worry, im not going mad. yet

//posted by ivy @ 23:32//

i need to concentrate now. badly.
i need to finish up my costing assignment and squeeze out an answer sheet by 11:59pm.

concentrate, ivy.
CONCENTRATE!

//posted by ivy @ 20:07//

Saturday, August 28, 2004

i want my baby boy..sobz.
my eyes are red and puffy.
i haven cried at all since he enlisted..but i can't stand it anymore.

went for the visitation today.
the moment he saw me, he gave a hug which made me teared already.
and after he told us about his week, the training and stuffs, i kept really quiet.
i din know what i can say or do.
and though there's so much i wanna tell him, the only words that came out were "take care".
i could not even tell him that i dun mind or i dun care if he doesn't pass his ippt, it's okie if he gets confined. as long as he's well and okie.
but i couldn't get those words out.. the tears threatened to fall the moment i wanted to.

but my baby boy is still as sweet as ever.
he told me he'll come look for me the moment he gets to book out.
and that made me smile and tear at the same time.

he asked how are things in church, school, home etc..
i could only nod my head and repeatedly said okie.
i din wan him to worry..not until he's much better.

im typing incoherently.
my parents juz went out.. and i thank God.
the moment the door closed, my tears flowed.
i wanted to call someone but decided against it. perhaps, what i need is not someone's comfort that much, but His comfort.

i love you baby boy, lots.
dun give up yah? it's a phrase where you'll emerge stronger!
and im always here.

if only he can read my mind.

Lord, please take care of him and make him whole again.
heal him of whatever muscle break-down he experienced
Amen.

//posted by ivy @ 19:53//

Friday, August 27, 2004

sometimes, i juz wanna be in invisible mode and put everyone else in it too, except a few.
i haven feel so drained and irritated for a long time.
and why must it be now?

pastor said last night, to thank God for people whom you find it hard to relate to, esp if they get on your nerves once in a while. cos they are the ones who are going to cause your character to be mould.
how true!

and im in NO mood to talk to anyone. for the rest of the night.
unless your name starts with 'T' or 'S' or 'A'.

//posted by ivy @ 21:28//

im an ambitious girl. cos im aiming to fulfill the following tonight, tmr and sun.

1. HR costing excel assignment
2. Email my T&D grp on certain issues
3. Email Weileng on article details
4. Prepare lesson for sun
5. Dear's visitation

alright-y
in the meanwhile, im off to bed till im more awake to send the emails and do my costing.

sat is just tmr!
wooo.. how wonderful!

//posted by ivy @ 19:53//

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

disclaimer: this is going to be an entry with mixed emotions and haphazard thoughts.

as i was re-reading day 5 of purpose-driven, my mind juz wandered to think of who would be down tonight.
oddly enough, i figured it may be a small group, so i prepared questions for in-depth discussion and sharing.
when i reached and when we finally started cell, it's a small grp of 6!
instead of feeling disappointed at the attendance, i felt glad cos it meant that the session was going to be a rather personal but yet, relaxed and cozy one.
dragged a little when we went around to share and stuffs.. i cancelled some of the questions i wanted us to ponder and share. but all in all, im reminded of many things on my way back.
one of which is, no point having the attendance but not synergy.
perhaps, cell should split up.
perhaps, i might just make some radical changes.
perhaps, hmmm?

next, im so upset before cell!
alright, i whined about this in cell oredi but i juz have to pen (or rather blog) this down.
i was bathing when my hp rang so obviously i missed the call.
if it's some other ppl calling, i wun give much thought. but the call i missed happened to be from my baby boy!!
argh! and for that moment, i so wished that my voicemail service has not been cancelled!
it's so irritating.... made me stormed around my room for 5 mins before i finally heaved myself to cell.
and yes, those present in cell are hearing this probably for the third time! =/

while walking back home juz now, i was planning how cell would be like the next quarter and i think i have a rough idea.
not much radical change but im going to be shifting some load to others.
going to be approaching some people and having them decide their commitment level.
going to change the style of worship a little.
but in the meanwhile, let me continue to pray and think through it.

reg: if you're reading the below, dun be offended. this is personal view and conviction. but of cos, i'll share with you more if u ask me!
we were discussing about the tests in our lives juz now. and for me, the greatest test is probably now that baby boy is in ns (ndu to be exact). im not so worried for the state of our relationship, but rather his spiritual health as training progresses and the trust and faith i have in God that dear is going to be alright in all his trainings.
and on one hand, i do agree that i'll have to learn to support him spiritually at times, juz like how he has been in the past.
but on the other, i have to say that guys in army should never depend on their gfs totally.
they are not superwomen, bound to experience dry and down times. and when these happen, the guys how?

and when dear enlisted, i made a personal prayer that our relationship will continue to stand on a 'M', and not shift to an 'A'. (for those who heard pastor during the bgr talk, u'll know what im talking abt)
and i thank God for both our common conviction that the relationship we have must always be one which glorifies Him in church and outside, one which can provide a guide for younger ones to follow, and one which doesn't send tongues wagging.
and i have to admit that it's difficult, but yet, we are glad that this relationship is still going on the right track. the track to achieve the above.
so if next time, you see us being too dependent on each other, you must remind me of my entry today.

shall end off and head to bed.
but not without the main theme i shared on today, which goes..
"the will of God will never bring you to where the grace of God cannot sustain you."

//posted by ivy @ 23:00//

i had a very nice night of sleep last night.
slept at midnight and woke up at 8am today, but when i saw how dark the sky was, i went back to sleep till 11am! hehz!

i finished reading my case study for seminar tmr, half-done with tonight's cell preparation.
decided not to go school cos i never like to go out when it's wet outside.
tonight's cell is pretty short i guess. if start on time, then i think i'll end before 9pm! haha. see how.

just a short entry.
nothing much special for now.
oh yah, unless you wanna hear about my baby butti's son, baby botak, which is currently quite hideous looking.
and unless you wanna hear my affections for my baby boy, whom i currently misses so much.

//posted by ivy @ 12:35//

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

all civil servants will have 5 days week.. so that would also means NS men book out on fri? haha..

work is beginning to start cramming in.
just this week alone, i've got like so many proj meetings and stuffs.
and a lot more to expect from next week onwards.

i've been thinking of my commitments to church as well lately and made a decision.
going to speak to the relevant person soon.
other than youth, wed cell and music min, im putting the rest of the things aside first.

tmr might not have fyp meeting.
but i think i shld be still heading to school to search for journals and do some readings, hopefully.

sat drawing near.
im so happy.
mayb cos i know im gonna be so busy, and when im busy, the day juz flies and without realising it, it's sat!

//posted by ivy @ 19:54//

Monday, August 23, 2004

i just told a lie to my baby boy.

he called a moment ago to ask if i could still make it if sat's visitation is changed to morning 9am to 1pm.
immediately, i thought of the initial clash with music prac prob. seems like it's solved right? but well, jon has oredi agreed to play!
so.. haha.
no matter what time it is, i am still not playing this week.
but the lie is.. he asked if im okie.
and i said yes, with my throbbing headache and running nose hovering over me.

i was speaking into my pillow, so he couldn't detect my blocked nose! hehz.
and by sat, i'll be well!
(but of cos, i'll most prob tell him the truth on sat)

what a surge of emotions when i heard his voice.
the tears were juz threatening to pour.

i must go sleep now.
cos i feel the effect of the flu med.
i can hardly type now.
bye bye.

//posted by ivy @ 20:44//

i went to sleep with a headache, tried to get to sleep while listening to my own playing for svc yday, which edward has gladly recorded for me.
and i did, fell asleep with my md playing away.
woke up at 5 am, still headache, and i suspect i had fever
but it's too dark to search for my thermometer so i ate one panadol anyway.
lack of sleep. bad for health.

woke up at 11am, with the sun shining deep into my room and on my face
*oh shit! my costing seminar!* was the only thing i managed out of my mouth before dragging myself out of bed, ate bread with some funny hot drinks meant for flu and fever. i kept telling my mum i dun think i have fever, im hot cos of the sun! but obviously she doesn't care, and promptly scolded me for sleeping late and waking up early these few days. =/

liting or mich: who is free to go thru today's employee turnover thingy with me?

//posted by ivy @ 11:45//

Sunday, August 22, 2004

boohoo~
i miss baby boy so much.
usually on sun night, he'll be the one asking me how i think of my playing, and he would give his comments after that.
now i gotta do it for myself.
nahz, im not going to. =/

i miss him, i miss him, i miss him
if the myth is true, he probably would be sneezing non-stop now! hahaha

im too tired to type anything.
gonna sleep
tmr a super long and tiring day, with boring morning seminar which last for 4 hrs!

*sat, please come soon.
jonathan, please agree to play*

//posted by ivy @ 21:50//

Saturday, August 21, 2004

today is another happy day, cos of the following reasons..

music prac went pretty smoothly. tina din have a high expectation so the songs mainly went thru after one or two times of playing.
im rather glad cos i spent the entire morning trying to listen to the songs and got really frustrated during noon. reason being that i felt i was wasting my time when i could have done my work.
but well, still, im glad music prac went fine.
it's the first time it ended so early, at a record time of 5.40pm!

i realised people around me are being really nice after my baby enlisted.
like that day after cell, tracy was alighting a stop before me, and she asked if i needed her to send me back! haha.
then jun hoong alighted a stop before his so that he can walk me through the dark path before the main road.
and today, reg and cindy asked me to join them for dinner.
appreciate it a lot. =)

there is a messenger sending messages between zhong and i! hehz.
and that's vince from 23rd batch.
when darling called back, he said he sees vince everyday cos their batch kept going downstairs to help them.
isn't it nice to hear that?
the two messages on my tag-board juz shows how nice vince is!
thank you, vince. [must continue to be our messenger hor? =P]
by the way, i hope your spine is alright now.

a smiling ivy is off to bed
knowing that her darling is safe and sound, and coping well
having someone who is looking after him
knowing that tmr's songs are alright, no stress.
g'night!

//posted by ivy @ 21:21//

i slept for a total of 11 hours!
woah.. pretty amazed at myself.
but been slacking till now. the only productive thing i have done probably is to listen to the songs for music prac later, which i still find it hard to comprehend some of them.
but then again, this happens almost everytime! haha.

took a glance at my organiser, a couple of deadlines coming up.
and fyp is progressing at a horribly snail pace.
the main reason being that i dun like literature reviews and always take donkey days juz to finish reading one.
i wanted to suggest to my grp that since we're doin empirical research, then we do not need extensive lit reviews, but i know it'll fall on deaf ears.
so, no choice. juz do lor.

darling called back for a mere 18 secs yday
reason being he needed to submit my i/c number since im going for the visitation day next sat.
how i wished he will be asked to call back every now and then to request for certain information! haha.
but fat hope man.
these few days are admin days, that's why he gets to call back.

i miss baby boy!

//posted by ivy @ 12:30//

Friday, August 20, 2004

ivy is a happy girl today..for the following reasons:

my darling called back yday evening while i was having dinner with tracy.
i felt vibration and immediately, reached out to pick up my phone and it's my baby calling back!
haha. he's asked to call back to inform the changes about parents visitation day, so he called me as well!
talked for a min or so, then he gotta put down cos he haven call his parents.
but he made my day! he's doing fine.
got himself a lower deck bed, facing the sea.
started running 2.4 yday morn and he said he din stop.
basically, everything is okie. =)

my baby butti has transformed itself from a spikey hair to a chick!
it happened suddenly in class yday..hehz.
finally, i dun have to face an ugly baby butti everyday.
it's become bigger now and eats drumsticks for meals!

darling's mum called me and asked if i wanna go for parents visitation day next sat
they allow three maximum. so dear's dad and me are confirmed so far. his mum not sure yet, if not, then mayb si'er take over.
but now i've got to settle my drums prob first! haha.

see? aren't they all worth being happy over?
they juz made my yday end on a high note and start today with a high one too.
i felt so weird in school yday. stayed quiet most of the time, din feel like talking, din feel like doing anything.
after that, went city hall to get drumsticks for reg's fren.
supposedly leaders' training but i gave it a miss, went to meet tracy
and that must be a blessing in disguise!
cos IF i were to be at the training, i would have missed zhong's call!
hehz..

fast fast.
week 4 oredi.
must start to pick up on my readings..
anyone staying back to study in school? call me eh.

alright-y.
im going to organize my notes. they are in one huge pile now!
then bathe, eat, go for tutorial
then to clara's house to teach her chem and maths.

i have a busy weekend ahead!

//posted by ivy @ 11:28//

Monday, August 16, 2004

i dun like the statement someone made when i entered into lecture theatre today.
she is someone pretty close to me in class and i knew her since yr 1!

i do know that i skipped a lot of classes last sem, but i made it a point to go for every proj discussion whenever i have it. i remb clearly i told her why i wasn't going for classes and stuffs. i thought she understood.. but im surprised when she said that statement to me today.
anyway, i am thankful im not doing much proj with the usual gang of ppl. i do miss doing projs with mich and huimin. think those two gals are great ppl to do with.

if someone perpetually skipped every single class and not turn up for proj discussion (that is wilson he!), then it's justifiable to label him as 'slacker' or whatever.
but hey, i have got a good track record. and im contactable! and hello, i do well for my studies!
frustrated whenever it's indirectly implied that im like wilson he!
im taking a break from doing proj with "kan-chiong" spider. only have one module with her this sem anyway.

*takes a DEEP breath*
must not let this affect me and my mood.
alright, i shall be good and read SM case study for tmr tut.

//posted by ivy @ 21:05//

my first skipped lesson of the semester!
this morning's costing seminar.. wahahaz.
i did manage to wake up at 7 plus, but decided to rest more.

yday was a super long day.. but i enjoyed every moment of it.
the time laughing over "monkey game" and photo-taking at german centre
the craze over baby toong and baby butti!
the hilarious train ride to city hall..
the dinner at magic wok with the gals (celine, peixuan, tracy), and with zhong as well.
the time spent at 'blue star place' with dear
stayed till pretty late, took a cab back.

nothing much to blog for now.
having a mini chat with sabby abt well, repeating issues
and both of us dun like to talk abt it.. but well..
shall see/pray how.

gotta print notes now
im still gonna attend lect later on.

//posted by ivy @ 12:10//

Friday, August 13, 2004

my fri has just transformed itself into something inspirational!
i was walking from south spine to north spine (from one end of ntu to the other) and i decided to take a route less travelled by.
it's the stretch of tutorial rooms and funny labs for other schools like engine and comm studies.
and then, i chanced upon one computer lab which i vaguely remembered being inside there once in yr 2 or something.
i peeped inside, looks kinda empty, so i boldly entered in. looked for a comp and here i am, half-worried that i wouldn't be allowed to log in. cos in biz comp lab, other school students aren't allowed!

this comp lab is pretty spacious. everyone has their own cubicle, makes me think back of the time i was working.
and it's dead quiet. i figured that someone will come over and ask me to type softer and quieter pretty soon enough.
anyway, when i was logging in, i juz had a thought.
i should start coming here to do my work before or after lessons, esp report-writing, searching for fyp materials etc. it's way better than the over-crowded lib or comp labs!
and i really love it here. the air has a pleasant smell, the keyboard is so smooth, but a bit loud, and i have my own cubicle! how nice.
alright. we shall see if i appear here more often in the next few weeks!

these few weeks have been pretty straining.
i have already had 3 weeks of lessons and 2 weeks of tutorials
BUT i have not started on ANY readings of my textbooks yet.
for those in biz, you know that not reading textbooks=dead meat!
so i must strive to be more conscientious in my final year.
mayb dear enlisting is a blessing in disguise. not that he takes up a lot of my time, but the fact that i wun be seeing him so often, probably forces me to stick my butt on the chair and study for good.
you'll see a different ivy pretty soon.
the lessons this sem have been a strong motivation for me to study harder.
not cos they are interesting, but cos they are tough and demanding! gosh.
and my drums must pick up too.. so dead everytime i play.

alright. a long entry huh?
and this was typed in 8 mins' time!
haha.. ta-ta for now.

have a great weekend everyone!
next week shall be a better week, for you and me! =)

//posted by ivy @ 17:30//

it's finally friday.
end of the school week. as usual, fri is a slack day cos i have only a 1 hr tutorial in the afternoon.
but got proj discussion. then im meeting tracy for dinner and stuffs.

weekend is bound to pass really fast.
and it'll be the start of week 4 in school.
fast fast. tsk tsk.

i dun feel like blogging. for a long time.
in fact, i dun feel like coming online for a long time.
i juz wanna sleep, read my books, and when im free, stone!
but this is near impossible.

this entry is totally boring.
it's been long since i felt bored reading my own entries.
argh. yawn. yawn. yawwwnnn.

//posted by ivy @ 10:42//

Monday, August 09, 2004

i had a great national day.
no no, i did not manage to make my way to ndp, neither did i catch a glimpse of any fireworks..
but i had great company today!

my day started at 5am.
woke up and took a real quick shower cos sier and zhong were oredi waiting downstairs.
oh.. the small grp of us (si'er, zhong and their gfs) decided to head down to east coast for sunrise.
reached at ard 6.15am, looked for a strategic place before we settled down for breakfast which were self-prepared.
we din see much of the sunrise but we sat around, chatted, took some pics.
then we went cycling.
my dear bf attempted to teach me.. so i went left right left right..
and i juz cldn't balance! argh.. haha
but i still felt secure cos he was going "dun worry. i wun let you fall."
in the end, okie la. not that steady yet but i learnt not to lean my weight which was the cause of my swaying here and there.

si'er drove us back.
i stayed at dear's place to do my assignment while he took a short nap.
guess he was really tired. he slept at 12 plus last night and woke up at 3am!
ard 2pm, we left for jp cos we booked tickets for 'collateral'
nice show! i like the plot.. although i thought the ending was a little abrupt but overall, still a nice show.

spent some time with dear at fave hunt-out after that.
had to come home early cos i haven prepare my tut for tmr.
but i really love the day that juz passed! =)

//posted by ivy @ 21:35//

Saturday, August 07, 2004

ohhh.. haven been blogging much these two weeks
school has been packed to the brim, lects and tuts went super fast-paced and seminars got me lost as well.
proj grps are all formed, so most of my time would be meeting for proj or fyp.
i haven skipped any lessons yet, and i haven took cab to school yet. which is a good beginning. hehz.

enuff abt sch huh?
ministries wise, things are okie.
i met tracy last night. she came over ntu for dinner den we went to mac-cafe after that and settled down.. chatted till past midnight, then we walked home together. how nice to be living so near the shopping mall.

im beginning to enjoy assisting arlene to oversee youth for the next month or so.
for any decision she has to make regarding youth on sun, she never fails to drop me a message to ask for my opinion.
and i realised how impt that simple act was.
and i am making it a point to remember that..

national day eve tmr.
i figured that national day itself would most likely be the last day i can spend with dear for the next few months.
im gonna make my way to the blue-star place. nothing is gonna stop me, not even rain!

music prac went rather funny today.
hope tmr is fine.
alright.
sleep is calling me.
ta-ta

//posted by ivy @ 22:05//

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

wed..supposed a free day but my fyp grp has made it official to meet every wed for our fyp.
and i've got a make-up lect later at 5pm, then another round of mini fyp till 7..hopefully.
and then off i fly to cell.
and tmr morning be back in sch at 9 for proj again, then afternoon seminar, and tuition after that.. and rush down to city hall for training.
argh.. i need to catch my breath.

anyway.. i realised exactly how much my bf cares for me when i saw how helpless he was as i was crying in his arms.. on mon night.
shan't elaborate.. but he said something which i never in my whole life, could imagine any guy would.
and so i promised him, i'll be fine and be strong.

had dinner at his place yday. nice food.. home-cooked by him and his mum.
and for the first time, his dad was at the dining table.. stressed.. haha.

alright. time to get going.
gotta read my notes for my tut tmr.. no time to do it tonight.
im so tight for schedule these few days.

//posted by ivy @ 15:20//